Where to begin? Let's start with the acting. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson star in this wreck of a film. On the merits of their performance here, neither one deserves to act in any other film at any other time for any other conceivable reason -excepting perhaps a demonstration video on what not to do. Neither one knows how to open their mouths and utter intelligible words. Neither knows how to close their mouths when they are not talking. And both seem to think that the way to act in love is to behave as though they have been stabbed in the stomach with sharpened steel rebar. Only about 10 minutes into the movie I already hated the main characters, just on the strength (anemic weakness, really) of the acting.
What about direction? This tripe is brought to us by Catherine Hardwicke, who deserves only blame and ridicule. Terrible decisions abound, as does slow motion.
Writing? Certainly the film has to benefit from being based on a hit book, right? Wrong. Oh so very, tragically wrong. This is a movie (and book) about vampires, right? No, it isn't. Vampires have a long history in literature, owing most famously to Bram Stoker's Dracula. Vampires are creatures of the night; not dead, but no longer living shadows of humanity. Vampires are despicable creatures, evil to the core, stalking and preying upon humans using deception and stealth. The horror of them stems from their nature, not from their viciousness. But vampires, no matter their strengths, had specific weaknesses and in are built on a Christian mythology. They have no power over Christ or the symbols of the church, and they are repelled by symbols of life, vibrancy, and hope. Sunlight makes them weak and powerless, exposing them as being the hollow shells of darkness that they are and will eventually kill them.This is the Christian ethic at work: darkness is frightening and seemingly powerful, but the slightest light will destroy it and show it to be sham without strength.
The problem with Twilight's writing then begins from the very foundation of the story. These are not vampires in Twilight. They are so different from Stoker's ideas that we might as well call them something else entirely. Our new name for them has to describe what they are like in the movie, so it has to be something not scary, not intimidating, not horrifying, but certainly stupid. So I will call these idiot creatures "Sparklies" from here on out.
The problems only cascade downward from there. Slow motion is substituted for suspense. Posturing and looking idiotic is substituted for character development. Shirts are optional. And no one ever behaves in a rational way.
To save space, I'll just relate some of the so-bad-its-funny aspects of Twilight in bullet form:
- The male Sparklies wear mascara. For some reason. Maybe to look less intimidating, if it were possible for an effeminate sulking man-child to look less intimidating.
- Every teen guy is a blithering idiot. And the new girl in school is instantly popular. Like that happens.
- Why do Sparklies become human disco balls in the sun? Because it isn't cool, it isn't neat, and it isn't something remotely needed.
- When Edward tells Bella they shouldn't be friends she takes that to mean that she should try really, really hard to be friends.
- Ok, I had the briefest moment of connection with Edward when he said that Claire de Lune was his favorite song. But this moment was ruined when the next words out of his mouth were (and I swear I'm not making this up) "Hold on tight, spider monkey." Then he scampered up a tree like a squirrel with Bella on his back. This is inexplicably stupid.
- When bad guys show up to threaten the good guys, even though the good guys outnumber the bad guys they don't fight then. Instead, the tactic is to split up so the bad guys have a chance. Why? Some people call it suspense, but in reality it is simply poor and lazy writing. And frustrating.
When it comes to the values of the film, I don't even know where to start. Let's just say I am terrified for teenage girls in our society who buy into this nonsense. I submit the following observations:
- Bella falls in love with a guy who treats her like dirt to begin with. He runs away in the middle of conversations, glares at her like a creepy stalker, and tells her he wants to eat her. This is treated like romance. I call it terror.
- The fact that Edward sneaks into Bella's room at night to watch her sleep is also treated as romantic. Here's the reality: it's sexual harassment and creepy. News flash to the teenage girls of the world! If a guy says "I like watching you sleep" it doesn't mean "aww, how sweet!" It means run away and call the cops!
- Edward tells Bella that he's killed people before. She says (again, I'm not making this up) "I don't care." Because murderers are people to hang out with? Because this tiny detail of homicide shouldn't factor into who you spend your time with? All is forgiven because "he's just so hot?" (public service announcement: I do not really think Robert Pattinson is hot. That is all.)
- The Twilight description of the perfect guy is as follows: 1)he must be far older than the girl. 2) He must desire to hurt the girl. 3) He must constantly abandon the girl. 4)He must have homicidal tendancies he barely holds in check. 5) He breaks into her house to check on her, watch her sleep, and otherwise control her life. 6) He should have a cool car.
I mean, really? That's romance? No wonder our world is in a mess.
Here's the bottom line: Twilight is abhorrent dreck, a miserable sludge of a film. I have not seen the sequels, so I can't comment on them. However, at least the first one has to go down as one of the worst movies I've ever seen. I honestly cannot think of a single thing it did right, or a single moment (other than the Debussy flicker of hope that was instantly quashed) that was even remotely intriguing.
Avoid. Avoid it like you would a Sparklie.
Entertainment: 1/10
Artistic value: 1/10
Technical merit: 1/10
Overall: 1/10
And just to be clear -I didn't like Twilight.
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