Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

Whoever first said "they don't make 'em like they used to" clearly did not have Manos: The Hands of Fate in mind when they said it.  Watching Manos is like the cinematic equivalent of eating a brick -it's not a good idea, it hurts while you do it, and you feel pretty terrible afterward.  Please believe me when I say that there is nothing redeemable about this movie.  "Atrocious" is too weak a word to describe it.  Absolutely no one involved in its making had even the slightest hint of competence.  It is by far the worst piece of film making I have ever watched.  On second thought, no one watches Manos.  One can only endure it.

Where to start?  The writing was so abysmal that I could only gape in horror at the extreme stupidity of everything I was seeing.  The entire movie starts off with a bang -a guy gets pulled over for a tail light issue.  The cop gives them a break and lets them go.  This has nothing whatsoever to do with the rest of the movie.

Seriously, look at those knees.

Moving on, the main characters (the dumbest married couple on earth along with their simpering daughter and pet poodle) run into Torgo while lost somewhere in the American southwest.  Now Torgo is one of the oddest dudes you will ever clap eyes on.  He mumbles all his words in a disjointed way, as though his mouth were not properly attached to his head.  And he has huge knees.

So our lost couple comes on our guy who is talking in a freakish way, with freakishly huge knees.  They ask a few questions, and Torgo answers them by talking about The Master.  As in "I'm Torgo, I look after the place while Master is away."  And "Oh, Master isn't dead, he's away.  Not dead as you would think of it."  He then acts upset that they have a child with them, because the Master wouldn't like it.  This causes our couple to do the most sensible thing imaginable -they ask if they can stay the night.

They decide to stay even when they see this picture that is a crime against film and art:

John Stossel, this is not a good look for you.

Notice the demon dog's glowing eyes.  When we later encounter the dog he is so pathetically unintimidating that we need to see the painting again to remember we're supposed to be scared.

I'd say things improved from there if I could, but then I'd be lying.  A woman looks frantically for her daughter by cracking a doorway about 1 inch,calling her name, then closing the door immediately (because obviously she just conducted a thorough search of the room, right?).  Our family runs from danger for approximately forty seconds before deciding that it's too hard to run for you life.  Say, why don't we go back to where the danger was, maybe everything will be all better now!

Did you notice the giant red hands?
 'Cause I'm trying to be subtle here.

Then there's the Master.  This is the worst bad guy of all time, wearing the worst costume of all time.  It's a sight to behold, to be sure.  He waves his arms around to show off the robe a lot, yells a lot, and fails to laugh in an evil manner.  Then he tells his harem of undead women to kill someone -which they attempt to do by giving him what appears to be a light massage.

It's hard to list all the mistakes made in the filming of Manos.  It's probably easier to list all the things they did right.  Let's see, they did...nothing.  Nothing right at all.

The editing is awful, worse than a third grader's attempt to make a video about his summer vacation.  Nothing fit together, and frequently a scene would simply have an editing break, with the result that characters would instantly move from one place in the shot to another.

Behold -Manos: The Hair of Fate

The camera work was the worst I've ever seen.  Nothing much was in focus, and some of the worst angles possible were chosen for the framing.  The result was that often one character would obscure another, action would be off-frame, or we'd simply get a camera full of hair.

There was no music to speak of.  What music there was, we will not speak of.

I usually rush to blame the director for travesties of this magnitude.  And believe me, the director has a lot to answer for (he makes Uwe Boll look brilliant).  But really everyone that worked on this movie ought to do jail time.  I just don't see how something this bad could be made without evil wicked crimes involved somehow.  This isn't "so bad it's good."  This is "so bad it will make your brain bleed."  Give a camera to an Australian bushman who's never seen an electric light and you'll end up with a better film than Manos.

This is it folks, the one that wins hands down when the question comes up, "What's the worst movie of all time?"

Entertainment: 0/10
Artistic Value: 0/10
Technical Merit: 0/10

Overall: 0/10

But on the flip side, if you see the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode with Manos you are in for a treat!