The Little Mermaid (1989)

This is the review that will earn me the wrath of my little sister.  I love you sis, but I see this as revenge for your (many) repeated viewings of this horrible, horrible monster of a movie.  I've seen plenty of movies that I've hated, but there are few that hated me back.  This is one of those evil and malicious movies that just want to hurt me.

See, it's the music.  This film is full of wicked tunes that get in your head and remain there even a full decade after the last viewing.  The movie has a full slate of earworms that never die (that "daughters of Triton" bit will haunt me until I draw my last breath).  This is enough to give great cause to despise The Little Mermaid.

Then there are the characters.  You know, the shallow fall hopelessly 'in love' starry eyed whiny entitled brat of a teenager with fins.  Then there's the amazingly irritating sea gull; awkward, unpleasant, unfunny, and somehow even smelly -a true rat with wings.  There is also a dippy and dull-witted yellow best friend fish that is somehow fat, a mutant red cross between a turtle and crab (seriously, what kind of crab has a retractable head?) that is also a grouch, and a domineering father fish man that displays his love by shouting a lot.

But you know, it's the messages of this movie that kill me.  If ever there was a movie that could be used to show that Disney is an evil-bad company, this is it.  Consider what life lessons the little girls this movie is aimed at are encouraged to learn:

1. Your father doesn't know what is best for you.  Defy him and eventually he'll realize that you are right.
2. Love (AKA that glow you feel after first clapping eyes on some cute guy) is worth doing ANYTHING to get/keep hold of.  Even and especially giving up your body and the things about you that are priceless and unique.
3. The first kiss of true love is this magical, over the top experience that conquers all evils and sets everything to right.  
4. Sometimes things are forbidden because they are great.  Old people don't know as much as you do.  Up with youth, down with the previous generation!

You get the idea.  Okay, I know I overstate my case a bit.  There are redemptive themes, and even the example of a substitutionary payment.  And the animation is great.  But in this case, even though I hurl my vitriol against Ariel and her ilk with a great deal of tongue in cheek and a wink in my eye, the bad still does outweigh the good.

Oh, and everything is certainly NOT better down where it's wetter.  Take it from me.

Entertainment: 5/10
Artistic Value: 4/10
Technical Merit: 4/10

Overall: 4/10