The other night my wife and I turned on the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean movie. After about an hour we turned it off and returned it. This is what I know about Pirates 4 (or at least what I can tell about it from watching half the movie): it stars Johnny Depp, it isn't funny, it isn't interesting, and overall it is stupid.
Now, it goes without saying that it is better than part three, At World's End. A home video of two guys burping the theme song to Gilligan's Island would be better than At World's End. It may even be better than part 2, Dead Man's Chest. I mean, Dead Man's Chest was the dark and sinister and brooding evil step brother of part one. It had none of the fun, light, and refreshing tenor of the first Pirates of the Caribbean. And the only jokes it knew were completely stolen from the first one as well. It did have a redeeming sword fight in a mill wheel, but that hardly made up for a slow, joyless slog through the rest of the movie's muck and drivel. So yeah, Pirates 4 might have been better than that. I'll just never know because I got frustrated and turned it off.
So what made me frustrated? Why is it bad? Glad you asked. Here's a little bit of my thoughts. The bit in the courtroom was clever, but the follow up with the throne room was idiotic. Sparrow had absolutely no reason to escape from the palace, so we are subjected to a 10 minute pointless action scene. Come to think of it, that whole bit from first being taken into the room to see the king until he finalized his escape didn't further the plot a whit. Johnny Depp isn't really showing effort anymore as Sparrow, and the script doesn't give him much to work with. If it wasn't for the first movie, this one would have tanked. Someone want to explain how Barbossa transformed from sinister and smart to bumbling and entirely un-intimidating? Why did they make the king an idiot? What point was served by having Sparrow fight the girl dressed like him, and why did they make that fight almost exactly like the duel he had with Orlando Bloom in Pirates 1 (only no longer fun)? You mean to tell me that a Spanish fleet can be only about 1/2 mile distant from a ship, but none of the crew would have noticed it (even though it surely would have been visible for HOURS before it would have been that close)? Why would successful mutineers simply surrender and all but apologize when the captain only comes out of his cabin? How is it not stupid that ropes come to life? Zombies? A wooden ship with a flamethrower (note for the uninformed: this is not a cool feature, it is vastly stupid)?
And that's only from half the movie. I checked, saw that I still had an hour and 20 minutes left, calculated how many brain cells I would lose in that time, and decided I could use my time better. You know, by searching Youtube for guys who belch theme songs.
Entertainment: 1/10
Artistic value: 0/10
Technical: 2/10
Overall: 2/10
No comments:
Post a Comment