Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

Awful.  Deplorable.  Abysmal.  Dismal.  Bad.  Refuse.  Junk. Worthless.  Horrible.  Terrible.  Atrocious.  Appalling.  Nasty.  Ghastly.  Unpleasant.  Unbearable.  Unspeakable.  Unlikable.  Vile.  Dreadful.  Shameless.  Deficient.  Flawed.  Substandard.  Sub par.  Poor.  Inferior.  Shoddy.  Defective.  Trashy.  Sloppy.  Slapdash.  Rotten.  Lousy.  Obnoxious.  Foul.  Distasteful.  Repulsive.  Weak.  Meager.  Feeble.  Less than Mediocre.  Inadequate.  Pathetic.  Shameful.  Putrid.  Fourth-Rate.  Rancid.

Perhaps the worst movie of all time.

I liked the first Transformers.  It had a charm to it, in spite of bad acting and laughable plot.  So what makes Transformers 2 so bad?  Can I say everything?

The writing and plot ideas were just over the top idiotic.  The first one lacked anything near an engaging plot, having mostly to do with a magic space cube.  This one was about a bad guy trying to blow up the sun while still on earth.  As anyone with a greater than 1st grade education could probably tell you, this is most likely a very poor idea.  So basically, it's not that the plot makes no sense, it's more that the plot is galactically stupid.  I try to turn my brain off when watching certain action films, but when my brain is so actively insulted by a movie, it's hard to enjoy it.

Let's go on, shall we?  What else is wrong with this movie?

• TheBeef is back.  Why?  Nobody like him.
• Megan Fox is back.  I think I know why (she does run around in practically nothing the whole movie), but it's not a good reason.
• The directing goes from straightforward to "MAKE IT STOP!"  Example: I have no desire to watch TheBeef and miss-pose-a-lot slobber all over her while the camera spins around them for 30 seconds.  So painful.
• Michael Bay (our favorite worst director) doesn't seem to know what a robot is.  Instead of them acting like robots, they act out sexually, have teeth (with gold fillings), and age with flatulence and other embarrassing bodily functions.
• Those twin Autobots.  Even if they are not racist (they are), they are annoying to the highest degree.
• These are robots, not star wars jedi.  So why is the bad guy a sith lord?
• Why do robots need to be born in little sacks in space?
• Sam goes to Autobot heaven.  Really.
• They need to "wake up" a sleeping jet.  So it can teleport them.  
• They teleport instantly from Washington to Egypt.  It's early afternoon in both places.
• The movie seems to think the pyramids are within sight of the sea.  
• Petra is in Jordan, not Egypt.  And you can't walk from Petra to the pyramids in one day.
• Did you know that border guards will let you cross illegally if you talk about the Yankees?
• Optimus dies, and only fairy dust can bring him back!  I'm surprised Sam didn't look at the audience and have us "believe" him back to life.  "Clap!  Clap for fairies -I mean Optimus!"

This list could keep going.  There really was nothing that I can remember that was good or redeeming.  Ultimately, I'm not sure which is worse: that the producers were cynical enough to believe that audiences would be happy with this final product, or that so many people actually were.

Entertainment: 1/10 

Artistic value: -2/10

Technical merit: 1/10 (still looked pretty, but they did nothing right with the pretty looks.)

Overall: 0/10  -dreadful.  This is a movie that should never have been made.