The Lady Vanishes (1938)

The Lady Vanishes is the next to last movie that Hitchcock made before leaving England for the USA.  By this point in his career he had larger budgets to work with, and had garnered quite a bit of international recognition.  He had hit a huge home run with The 39 Steps back in 1935, and had a few well-received but less fantastic films that followed it up.  But in 1938 he released another real masterpiece, a film that still stands out as one of his best: The Lady Vanishes.

This is a film that perfects the pacing of a thriller.  Actually, The Lady Vanishes begins in almost every respect as a comedy.  It is light and funny, introducing and showcasing its characters in engaging and lovable ways.  There is a young English girl, Iris (played by Margaret Lockwood), traveling through Europe with her friends for the last time before going home to marry.  There is a pair of English gentlemen who seem to think the world begins and ends with cricket (that's a sport, for all my American friends).  There's a bumbling, lovable hotel owner, a nice English lady on her way home after serving as a foreign governess, and a young rascally man writing a book on folk dance who insists on doing loud, stomping research late at night in the town hotel.

As I said, things start off innocently enough, with clever and witty dialogue and not a few running gags (such as the maid having to come in and out of the room with the cricket nerds).  There's been a snow avalanche covering the rail lines, and the hotel of a small alpine town in some unnamed European country is packed with travelers trying to get home.  Everything is going along swimmingly; meals are eaten, the travelers are serenaded by a man outside playing the guitar, and the worst problem (aside from the hotel running out of food) is the loud music and dancing from the top floor room of the folk dance researcher.

But then somebody kills the singer outside.  And the next day somebody pushes a pot from a high window, which then injures Iris, our main protagonist.  Things have become a bit sinister, and Hitchcock just slowly dials up the pressure from there.  After all, once the train gets going the next day, the lady vanishes.  Where did Miss Froy go, the lovable English governess who befriends Iris?  She just disappears, and for no apparent reason nobody on the train other than Iris seems to remember that she had been on at all.  From here we get some fantastic movie-making; at one point Hitchcock even has us the audience doubting that Miss Froy really was there at all.

I won't give away the end, because you ought to see this film.  But the plot seamlessly and deftly moves from very light to mystery to action, maintaining the suspense throughout.  For all of this, the praise deservedly goes to Hitchcock.

But upon Hitchcock's shoulders falls the blame for the movie's shortcomings.  Fortunately, those shortcomings are very few.  The movie's worst moment is the opening shot: we are presented with that Alpine village in a shot that sweeps into town from outside of town, all the way to the front door of the hotel. Of course, the village in the shot is a model, and obviously so.  It is a good model, but a bad effect and does not age well.  Another issue has to do with the central MacGuffin, the reason everybody is after poor Miss Froy.  For spoiler reasons I can't tell you what it is, but I can say as far as coded messages go it strains credulity by quite a bit.

But those are small complaints, issues that only really serve to show the great parts of The Lady Vanishes in greater relief.  This is everything that a movie ought to be; funny, memorable, entertaining, a bit mysterious, and nail biting to the end.  This is a lady worth finding.

Entertainment: 8/10
Artistic value: 5/10
Technical merit: 6/10

Overall: 7.5/10

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011)

Still stupid, but not as stupid as the last one.  Only about as stupid as the first one.

To be fair, they went a long way toward fixing most of the issues that were so embarrassingly bad in the previous two.  They spent actual time developing the transformers as characters.  They used the visuals much better this time, using selective slow motion so we can actually keep track of what is happening.  The action was a cut or two above the last two.  The big set pieces are memorable and fun, such as the toppling building.  They cut out the racist twin Autobots.  The plot seemed much more coherent (though it still boiled down to a MacGuffin in the end).  Optimus is once again simply amazingly awesome.  And no Megan Fox.

But really, just as soon as everything would be going along swimmingly, those idiot little robots that seem to be TheBeef's pets come up again and say and do idiotic things.  That kind of thing just drives me nuts.  Otherwise, everything was tremendously predictable, things seemed to happen with little reason, TheBeef still stars (and has gotten whinier), and the new girl is no better than Megan Fox.

So, Transformers 3.  Transformers is fun again.  It just isn't any smarter.

Entertainment: 6/10
Artistic value: 1/10 (ha!)
Technical merit: 5/10

Overall: 4/10

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

Awful.  Deplorable.  Abysmal.  Dismal.  Bad.  Refuse.  Junk. Worthless.  Horrible.  Terrible.  Atrocious.  Appalling.  Nasty.  Ghastly.  Unpleasant.  Unbearable.  Unspeakable.  Unlikable.  Vile.  Dreadful.  Shameless.  Deficient.  Flawed.  Substandard.  Sub par.  Poor.  Inferior.  Shoddy.  Defective.  Trashy.  Sloppy.  Slapdash.  Rotten.  Lousy.  Obnoxious.  Foul.  Distasteful.  Repulsive.  Weak.  Meager.  Feeble.  Less than Mediocre.  Inadequate.  Pathetic.  Shameful.  Putrid.  Fourth-Rate.  Rancid.

Perhaps the worst movie of all time.

I liked the first Transformers.  It had a charm to it, in spite of bad acting and laughable plot.  So what makes Transformers 2 so bad?  Can I say everything?

The writing and plot ideas were just over the top idiotic.  The first one lacked anything near an engaging plot, having mostly to do with a magic space cube.  This one was about a bad guy trying to blow up the sun while still on earth.  As anyone with a greater than 1st grade education could probably tell you, this is most likely a very poor idea.  So basically, it's not that the plot makes no sense, it's more that the plot is galactically stupid.  I try to turn my brain off when watching certain action films, but when my brain is so actively insulted by a movie, it's hard to enjoy it.

Let's go on, shall we?  What else is wrong with this movie?

• TheBeef is back.  Why?  Nobody like him.
• Megan Fox is back.  I think I know why (she does run around in practically nothing the whole movie), but it's not a good reason.
• The directing goes from straightforward to "MAKE IT STOP!"  Example: I have no desire to watch TheBeef and miss-pose-a-lot slobber all over her while the camera spins around them for 30 seconds.  So painful.
• Michael Bay (our favorite worst director) doesn't seem to know what a robot is.  Instead of them acting like robots, they act out sexually, have teeth (with gold fillings), and age with flatulence and other embarrassing bodily functions.
• Those twin Autobots.  Even if they are not racist (they are), they are annoying to the highest degree.
• These are robots, not star wars jedi.  So why is the bad guy a sith lord?
• Why do robots need to be born in little sacks in space?
• Sam goes to Autobot heaven.  Really.
• They need to "wake up" a sleeping jet.  So it can teleport them.  
• They teleport instantly from Washington to Egypt.  It's early afternoon in both places.
• The movie seems to think the pyramids are within sight of the sea.  
• Petra is in Jordan, not Egypt.  And you can't walk from Petra to the pyramids in one day.
• Did you know that border guards will let you cross illegally if you talk about the Yankees?
• Optimus dies, and only fairy dust can bring him back!  I'm surprised Sam didn't look at the audience and have us "believe" him back to life.  "Clap!  Clap for fairies -I mean Optimus!"

This list could keep going.  There really was nothing that I can remember that was good or redeeming.  Ultimately, I'm not sure which is worse: that the producers were cynical enough to believe that audiences would be happy with this final product, or that so many people actually were.

Entertainment: 1/10 

Artistic value: -2/10

Technical merit: 1/10 (still looked pretty, but they did nothing right with the pretty looks.)

Overall: 0/10  -dreadful.  This is a movie that should never have been made.

Transformers (2007)

This is the worst movie I have ever liked.

Honestly, there is no denying that this is in almost every way a bad movie.  The plot is nonsense: the good guys need to keep the magic space cube safe from the bad guys, or evil wrong things happen.  I remember sitting in the theater and hearing the opening line: "In the beginning was the cube."  I proceeded to laugh at the writing for about 15-20 seconds, then turned my brain off for the rest of the picture.
The acting is abysmal.  Shia LaBeouf (hereafter called "TheBeef") and Megan Fox turn in sub-high school drama performances, aided by an assortment of other b-grade support actors and a few cameos.  In the mind of director Michael Bay, good acting seems to be posing his leading lady in the most suggestive ways and outfits possible.
The action is frenetic and confusing: when the space robots are fighting it is extremely hard to tell what is going on, and in some cases hard to tell why we should care.

And yet I liked it.  I just couldn't help liking it.  It's probably the kid in me that grew up with 500 transformer toys, but I was often left with a "that was great!" feeling for no real reason.  Perhaps it was those moments like Optimus Prime transforming on the highway to deal serious punishment to Decepticons.  Perhaps it was the way they just seemed to get the Starscream/Megatron relationship right.  I don't know.  I just liked it.

Not to say it couldn't have been better.  Boy, it could have been better.  Let's have more of the robots please, and less of the idiot humans.  Let's try to develop the characters of the transformers themselves, instead of trying to insert toilet humor into things.  Here's a bold idea, but let's just give it a hearing: perhaps a movie called Transformers could be about the transformers, and not be all about TheBeef and little miss pose a lot.

What can I say?  This was barely a movie.  It at times seemed like a 2 hour pyrotechnic display.  But if you are a child of the 80's, as I am, somehow it all comes together into something vaguely likable.  Not the most stunning endorsement, I know.

Entertainment: 5/10
Artistic Value: Are You Kidding Me? (1/10)
Technical Merit: 5/10

Overall: 4/10

Leon: The Professional (1994)

I heard great things about this film before I watched it.  It is high in the IMDb top 250, and has achieved a high regard among a loyal cult following.  Not wanting to miss a potential overlooked masterpiece, I rented it.  Results are mixed.

Leon hardly has an original plot.  Talented mob hitman Leon befriends a young 12 year old neighbor girl, and when her entire family is killed by crooked policemen, Leon takes her in.  Then he gives her some training, and they fight back against the corrupt cops.  It might have its own aspects, but that sort of plot is rather vanilla in Hollywood for the last 30 years.

The acting is not bad.  Jean Reno does a fine job as Leon, and Natalie Portman plays his young friend.  They both are passable in their roles, with no major problems (Portman definitely showed promise).  However, neither played their characters as well as needed.  I mean, I didn't really care all that much for either.  I more pitied them, but perhaps that's the point.  The whole movie seems to be about the unloved finding each other.

The show is stolen, however, by Gary Oldman.  Oldman plays the corrupt policeman with a relish I just plain did not expect.  He is beyond brilliant, a joy to watch in a snappy grey suit.  His was a performance not to be missed; he elevated the movie from forgettable to memorable all on his own.

Otherwise, I just didn't get the praise people heap upon it.  The great crime committed by Leon is that in most every way the movie is remarkably average.  Sure, it delves into interesting topics such as honor among thieves, mistrust, and the need for community/love.  Some viewers might think it deals with its subject in sublime and powerful ways.  To me it seemed like a high school paper on psychoanalysis.  Good subject, average to simply passable execution.

Entertainment: 5/10
Artistic Value: 6/10
Technical Merit: 5/10

Overall: 5/10

The Princess Bride (1987)

The Princess Bride is one of the ultimate comedies of all time.  Anyone who has seen this whimsical tale can tell you there is something magical and brilliant about it.  And something outrageously funny.

For the longest time The Princess Bride was my favorite movie of all time.  The reasons are many; it had tons of fantastic action, it told a great and timeless story, it was immensely quotable, and it was funny beyond all reason.  This movie will forever retain a blessed place in my heart, even if other movies have replaced it on my "best ever" list.

You really don't need to know much about the story.  Basically, there's a grandfather reading a sick grandson a book, and we see the book come to life in his imagination.  It stars Carey Elwes and Robin Wright (who later married Sean Penn and added his name to hers), along with appearances from Andre the Giant and Billy Crystal.  Suffice to say, the greatest-named-movie-princess-ever "Buttercup" needs saving from the evil prince, and the dashing Westley/current Dread Pirate Roberts is up to the task.  Along the way we have adventure, giants, pirates, fencing, iocane powder, torture, true love, and the tormentation of farm boys.

And now, in leu of further exposition on the plot, I will simply quote from the movie, laughing all the while as I type: "Anybody want a peanut?"  "Inconceivable!"  "You keep using that word.  I do not think it means what you think it means."  "Mawage.  Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday.  Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweem, wifin a dweem..."  "It just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead."  "Murdered by pirates is good!"  "Veer left!"  "And thank you for bringing up such a painful subject.  While  you're at it why don't you give me a paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?"  "As you wish."  "Is this a kissing book?"  "You wish to surrender to me?  Very well, I accept."  "I am not left handed."  "...My way's not very sportsmanlike."  "To the pain!"  "Have you the wing?"  "Perhaps it's just some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night through eel infested waters."  "Life is pain, highness!  Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something."  "Goodnight Westley, good work, sleep well, I'll most likely kill you in the morning."  "Am I going mad, or did the word think just escape your lips?" "True love is the greatest thing in the world...except for a nice MLT, a Mutton Lettuce and Tomato sandwich."  "Death cannot stop true love.  All it can do is delay it for a while."  "You rush a miracle man you get rotten miracles."  "When I found you, you were so slobbering drunk you couldn't buy brandy!"  "I wonder if he is using the same wind we are using."  "Truly, you have a dizzying intellect."  "I'm not a witch I'm your wife!"  "'Give us the gate key.'  'I have no gate key.'  'Fezzik, tear his arms off.'  'Oh, you mean this gate key!'"  "No one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley."  "I've seen worse."  "Humperdinck!  Humperdinck!"  "Let me explain.  No, there is too much; let me sum up."
And of course, "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die."

The movie isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination.  It has very little in the way of great and timeless philosophical themes.  It leaves a bit to be desired in the acting department.  It breaks no ground in any technical category.

But in spite of any problems I could point out, I remain convinced that The Princess Bride could not be more perfect.  Even its defects become endearing features to cherish.  For example, I happen to think it adds to the movie that the ROUS's look like guys in giant rat suits.  Watch it.  Laughter guaranteed, and it will probably succeed in touching you as well.

Entertainment: 9/10
Artistic value: 4/10
Technical merit: 4/10

Overall: 6/10

Lawrence of Arabia (1962)

Epic.  Little else really needs said about the 1962 absolute classic other than the simple word "Epic."  Hollywood released plenty of movies in the epic genre during that period, with emphasis on scope, drama, costume, and grandeur.  The Ten Commandments, The Robe, Spartacus, Cleopatra, and many others drove the epic genre forward.  But there are two films that will forever define the genre and also be among the best films ever made: Ben Hur and Lawrence of Arabia.  Of those last two I love Ben Hur more, but Lawrence surpasses it in technical brilliance and sheer scope.  Lawrence of Arabia is the kind of movie that makes you realize what a movie can really be.

Let's talk cinematography.  By far this is to me the standout aspect of Lawrence.  I have never seen a movie that is more perfectly framed, more expertly focused, and more beautiful in picture.  Great care has obviously been taken in the choice of locations, the set up of the shot, and the execution of the camera.  Freddy Young, the director of photography, was clearly a master of his trade at the height of his career.  The desert simply becomes a living thing, filmed in a wondrous way.  We who have grown up in a fat land, a land of hills and trees and lakes could never conceive of what desert living would be like, but in watching Lawrence we have the feeling of being there, of experiencing the heat and wide open spaces.  Sand swirls in the wind, rocks stand against the sun, and small shapes of people move far off and barely visible in the vast ocean of the desert.  We see it all perfectly, even the trick of the sun making the desert horizon shimmer like water.  This is everything that moving images in the movies should be.  This is a movie I wish I could see on the big screen, as it was meant to be seen.

The vast spectacle continues as we watch Lawrence build his army of Arabs.  Sooner or later it has to hit us that this movie was made at a time long before computer images, so all those people we see are real people, real horsemen in that real place.  For once we see what a mounted army must have looked like in World War I; droves of people kicking up insane amounts of dust in vast desolate places.  And then the camera will pull back and show us just how small that army is in comparison to the land, the great desert of Arabia.  Epic. 

And yet in the midst of all the spectacle there is soul; this is a movie that is about a person, not about images or trying to impress the audience.  This movie is about a person as mystifying and unknowable as the desert itself.  Lawrence was the kind of man able to lead strangers to their deaths, the kind of man who understood and valued the culture of those he led (even though he himself was English), and yet the kind of man who struggled to know himself.  This role is played wonderfully and hauntingly by Peter O'Toole.  This was one of O'Toole's first films, yet he owned the role and surpassed in brilliance everyone else in the film, which included some of Hollywood's brightest stars (Claude Rains, Omar Sharif, and Alec Guinness, to name a few).  And this role would forever define O'Toole.  He could never be in another film without bringing Lawrence to mind.  When I once saw him in person I recognized him first as Lawrence of Arabia, and only after that could call to mind the name of the actor I beheld.  Everyone does a fabulous job in this film, but Peter O'Toole set himself in movie history, doing a job that will forever go down as one of the best roles ever played.

Who can forget Lawrence of Arabia's classic moments?  Who can forget Sherif Ali riding in from an unknown distance, from a speck on the horizon toward the camera?  Who can forget Lawrence holding that match, extinguishing the fire with his fingers? ("Naturally it hurts!  The trick...is not minding that it hurts.")  Who can forget the Anvil of the Sun?  Who can forget Lawrence standing on the wrecked locomotive, receiving the adulation of the army, with his robes blowing in the wind?  Who can forget the look on his face as he screams, "NO PRISONERS!" 

This is a movie that makes you sit back and say, "They don't make 'em like that anymore."  Today we seem to get plenty of specacle with no soul, stupidity made to sparkle.  Lawrence is not that.  Lawrence of Arabia is not afraid to hold a shot for a long time without cutting away.  It isn't ashamed of its 3 1/2 hour length.  Why?  Because it has something to say that is worth saying.  Lawrence of Arabia is simply epic.

Entertainment: 8/10
Artistic value: 8/10
Technical merit: 10/10

Overall: 9/10